Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
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Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?