Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at the bakery*

Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”

Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

I have obtained a hat

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

dogs can find happiness so easily

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.