Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

Teach your children to beatbox

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.

Please don’t block me.

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.

Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?

9: what?

Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?

9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!

Me: are you nervous?

9: stop!!!

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!

HER: have you decided where you’re going to live

ME: I’m still on the fence

HER: that’s why I asked

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam