Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

New favorite tiktok

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

Twitter remains undefeated

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.