Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

Not today. 😅

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.