Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@RoUrBoat1218

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

@LackOfShame

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

@RuthePhoenix

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

@BadBobRocks

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

@Jamberee13

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

@Jenny4ashley

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

@_elvishpresley_

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

@themiltron

[first day as a server]
me: how would u like your steak
person: well done
me: thank you that’s so kind it’s my first day & i’m very nervous

@WittySassBasket

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.