A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
grandad: a tattoo will negatively affect your future
me: cut your carbon emissions
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H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
[first day as a server]
me: how would u like your steak
person: well done
me: thank you that’s so kind it’s my first day & i’m very nervous
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.