fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
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My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.