grandad: a tattoo will negatively affect your future

me: cut your carbon emissions

grandad: no

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H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.


Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.


If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.


ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit


My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?



cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest


[first day as a server]
me: how would u like your steak
person: well done
me: thank you that’s so kind it’s my first day & i’m very nervous