grandad: a tattoo will negatively affect your future

me: cut your carbon emissions

grandad: no

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Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”


PAPA JOHNS EMPLOYEE: what can I get you
ME: I’ll take a large *forgetting the word pizza* cheese frisbee


[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]


Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.


Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.


i’ve decided to start a new healthier lifestyle. I’m adding cranberry juice to my morning Vodka.


6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.


“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman


I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.