My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
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The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
DOOO EEEET
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.