Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.