grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

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I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids


I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.


my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her


My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.


The key ingredients for a successful diet :

Duct tape
Rat poison
Bag of lime

What?…wait. Wrong list.


Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.


Just once, I’d love to see a post game interview where the losing team blames Satan.