@NurseMurderer

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

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@JustDontBugMe

[god creating raccoons]

God: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.

Angel: But…

God: Just do it.

@ericsshadow

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

@whalesmells

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

@3sunzzz

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

@sliver_of

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

@Bob_Heller

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.