grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

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[god creating raccoons]

God: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.

Angel: But…

God: Just do it.


My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.


me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?


Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.


Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?


Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.