grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
You Might Also Like
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.