I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
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After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
The key ingredients for a successful diet :
Bag of lime
What?…wait. Wrong list.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Just once, I’d love to see a post game interview where the losing team blames Satan.