Apparently, using a french fry and an onion ring to simulate how I wanted the rest of the evening to go wasn’t the most romantic move ever.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
You Might Also Like
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I dropped a total of 13 pounds over the weekend and no longer work in the maternity ward
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
fiancé: *marvels at the beauty of the Eiffel Tower*
me: will you do me the greatest honor of *looks at smudged writing on hand* murdering me
The tenth Fast and Furious movie should be called Fast 10: Your Seatbelts
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
M: I wish I was a baller
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.