grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

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Apparently, using a french fry and an onion ring to simulate how I wanted the rest of the evening to go wasn’t the most romantic move ever.


Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”


If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.


If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.


I dropped a total of 13 pounds over the weekend and no longer work in the maternity ward


fiancé: *marvels at the beauty of the Eiffel Tower*
me: will you do me the greatest honor of *looks at smudged writing on hand* murdering me


The tenth Fast and Furious movie should be called Fast 10: Your Seatbelts


ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit