@NurseMurderer

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

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@kuusela34

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

@KentWGraham

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

@FredTaming

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

@HeyZeus666

The key ingredients for a successful diet :

Duct tape
Rope
Rat poison
Shovel
Bag of lime
Alibi

What?…wait. Wrong list.

@Smug_Lemur

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

@BrownDogBlanket

Just once, I’d love to see a post game interview where the losing team blames Satan.