Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
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I feel attacked.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.