Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
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Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
that lip filler tho
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous