@WheelTod

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

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@SilenceDogood81

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

@FatherWithTwins

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

@ceejoyner

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

@frankzulla

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a unicorn.

Unicorn: lmao corn?

God: horn. unihorn. sorry I don’t know why I said corn.

Unicorn: omg God said I’m a unicorn!

God:

Unicorn: hello i’m one corn the horse nice to meet you rotfl.

God: [whispers] cancelled.

@donni

*sees a shark in a homemade clam costume*
That’s a pretty dubious clam

@MsSkarsgaard

Them: How can you hate someone you’ve never met?

Me: Oh. I can read.

@TheHyyyype

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

@theshamingofjay

Me: ugh I have to wear a tie today, adulting sucks.
Grandpa: I had to fight in World War II when I was 19.
Me: I guess you kind of get it.

@Sweet_Me_73

Did you “ask” me or “axe” me?

Because seriously……

one is murder.