Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
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I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.