Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?

Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.

3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.