Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
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Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch