Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
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Make new friends? bro out of what?
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
*names my little horse OneTrick*
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.