Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

We all have our pet causes.

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.