@DrLuke1994

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

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@PFitzpa

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

@robfee

The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls

@DothTheDoth

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

@raydevito

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical

@kirkdiedrich

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

@ThePocketJustin

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

@SkinnerSteven

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”

@Samiam556

*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.

Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.

@chrissyteigen

I always have a note in my pocket that says “john did it” just in case I’m murdered because I don’t want him to remarry #truelove #tips

@EJGomez

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man