Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

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I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.


The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls


In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.


Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical


The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.


My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.


JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”


*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.

Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.


I always have a note in my pocket that says “john did it” just in case I’m murdered because I don’t want him to remarry #truelove #tips


“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man