Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
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Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy