@DrLuke1994

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

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@ShortSleeveSuit

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

@Jason_Horton

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

@bobvulfov

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

@DrakeGatsby

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

@Jennuflect

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

@jwoodham

If I was a Quidditch player I’d be the Seeker, because I’m really, really good at doing basically nothing until the very end of something.

@ohheyitszara

Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg bump into each other, say sorry awkwardly, then try to sidestep each other but keep stepping the same way.

@JessObsess

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

@UncleBob56

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.