Hipsters hate rivers. Too mainstream.
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[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
If I was a Quidditch player I’d be the Seeker, because I’m really, really good at doing basically nothing until the very end of something.
Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg bump into each other, say sorry awkwardly, then try to sidestep each other but keep stepping the same way.
What can I get you?
I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.