*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
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me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I could NOT have put it better myself.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast