*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
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Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I know this now 😂
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*