Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
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I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.