Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
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“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
real
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.