Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
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I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.