Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
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FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Never forget.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.