Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
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me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!