Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
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Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.