Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
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7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.