Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
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If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*