Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

U talkin 2 me?

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

How much does it cost to keep chickens?

About a buckahhhh week

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.