If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
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I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
It’s easier to get away with stealing someone’s stroller if you’re dressed as a jogger.
When I die donate my body to science
Science: No thanks we’re good
I enjoy jogging in the mountains because nature is beautiful and cardiac arrest excites me.
My mom recently figured out that the best way to get me to call her back right away is to text me that someone died but not tell me who.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.