Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
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I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Don’t snitch tag.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.