Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
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Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Try and stop me.
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All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Never forget.
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[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?