Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.