Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog

Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather

[Earlier]

Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning

INTERNET IS DOWN

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.