Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off