Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
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My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
the pigeons are already plenty salty
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.