Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

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It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.


Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.


Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people


“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.


[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin


My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.


You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.


[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely