It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
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Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely