“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer
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me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.