“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer
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Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Realize this:
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.