“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer
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Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Frankenstein?
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful