Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
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Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No