Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
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I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Baller is short for ballerina
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
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