Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
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Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
accurate
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Unexpected Judgment
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm