Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

then why did i get this email

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

Seems legit

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too