Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa