*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
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If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
But that’s none of my business
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
His flabber was gasted 😂
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.