Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

😂😭

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.

Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?

Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

Wait for it! 🤣👏😝

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

Oh, I bet you would be