Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

Artwork by Herta Burbe

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

finally

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.