Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed