Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

Ha

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.