Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.