Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

Venn

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

mumsnet is amazing

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.