Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?

me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

In banana years, I am bread.

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”