Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

There are usually two types of merchants.

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging