Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently