grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
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me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
You can’t rush stupid.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart