Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

every olympics i turn into this guy

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

who wore it better?

Husband: *choking on a Dorito*

Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.