Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.