Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

step 6: release the wall snake

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

What the hell happened in there??

Me: i’m so hungover.

Wife: what do you need?

Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.

Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down