Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

When my kids ask me anything before coffee

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”