Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
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me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.