Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

*first day as a Walmart greeter*

Me: You know Target’s still open, right?

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’

here we go again