Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

Boom, boom, ching!

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.