grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
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my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store