grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
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Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
For when Tinder doesn’t work
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
No.
