grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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I didn’t come here to be called names
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king