Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

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-Librarians arguing

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

me and the Superbowl rn

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

“Great, now I have to pee.”

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.