grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.