grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
A new level of troll.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”