Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
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There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar