Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
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Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Who knew!
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old