Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
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Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Me trying to look natural in photos
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.