Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
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wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”