Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
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I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”